friends: thy lord giveth and thy lord taketh away

*sigh* im so depressed. but before we go there, i gotta show you somat.

"AssalamuAlaikum & Ice-cream (two nice things) Just droppin you a line cuz I haven't tortured you via IM for a while. How's school beta? :D"

thys is by far one of the nicest emails ive received in ages. it's short, sweet, and lets me know someone is thynking about me, and they like me enuff to let me know (yes, three lines and a mention of ice cream is all it takes). im so seriously missing good friends in my life. and ive got no one to blame but myself. i never even considered it a problem until very very recently, when i had to fend for myself... and realised how lucky i had been, having ppl look out for me, without me realizing that. ive never felt so cut off from the world as i have in teh past month or so... im used to doing thyngs my way, around my people, sitting comfortably in my comfort zone, at my damn speed -- and definitely at my own goddamned will. now, taking into consideration 100 strangers, who are perhaps going thru the same shyte i am... (cant be too sure there)... it's difficult. and they all seem reasonable people... who make you feel guilty for being unreasonable and difficult, by sheer kindness... one can never know how disfunctional they are, in an isolated situation... it's the comparison in a group of people which reveals that trait... we took personality tests in our "Organizational Behaviour" class the other day. lol! and i apparently dont know me too well... i scored low on extrovertism, very low on agreeableness, very low on conscientiousness, and very high on openness to experience. i dont mind being criticised, so i wont even try justify the first three traits, but openness to experience? i wouldnt say i welcome that either, since i KNOW im averse to change... but yeah, i dont mind trying out new thyngs, if only so i can crib about them later on... but coming back to friends. and emails. i havent been a good person lately. mostly ignoring relationships. not that my "abrasive" personality allows for too many of those, but there are certain people who choose to ignore that and still put up with me (search me man, i DONT have a clue as to why!) one such person was the email sender. thanx man. small acts of kindness make yellow so much brighter a colour! another such message was from M. she is all i have to show for my four years at NCA. i mean sure, there are friends, and then there are friends... but M is lyk... umm... say, if you were to kidnap for ransom somethyng most important to me, i'd suggest you pick her up. i dunno how, but she managed to keep me sane (for the most part of it) so she IMs me... saying "im leaving on the 17th" my response: "SHYTE...! yeh to england ja rahi hai!" my "best friend" leaves for england in two days, and she had to remind me to go visit her! so i went over to her place today. it was so weird. i hate goodbyes, but more than that, i hate seeing off the only few people who matter to me. she got married 9 months ago in jan, and accepting i wasnt her priority in itself was a bitter pill to swallow. (im possive about my...umm...thyngs). and now i dont know when ill see her next, and before you know it... we'll just be two total strangers.

i'll be talking a walk in park one day, a small child will come running and crash into me ... and while i'll ponder it's fate (hanging them upside down from a tree or drenching them in the lake), i'll see M running towards me, saying hey! watch it! that's my kid you got there missy!!!

ok, so it may not be as bad as that, technically, but the reason i dont believe in relationships is a) simply, cuz nothyn lasts ferever, and b) losing somethyn you had hurts more than never having it.(thys point is not open for debate. in fact, none of the two are) khair. im distressed. clearly. i'll see ya when i see ya. and when i see you next, remind me to sort out my priorities. theres on so much one can do hanging by a moment.