and the wise man said...

like.... ya just gotta read these: real xtracts from GCSE exams: Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot fat. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. Even in his last years, Grandpa had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter." It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before. It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools. She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. and umm... these are discriptions written by (presumably) qualified doctors: "She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night." "Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year." "On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared." "The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed." "The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993." "Discharge status: Alive but without my permission." "Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful." "The patient refused autopsy." "The patient has no previous history of suicides." oh! and the 11 year old's answers can be read here. teh flight announcements here. and the top ten johnny bravop pik-up lines here. my favourite one being: "Well baby, what's it like looking at the man of your dreams?" oh jonny!!! *swoons*