the lizard who would be king

cockroaches are interesting critters. (isnt thys guy just to-die-for?) they live in my kitchen. in lill colonies. i would spray them away, but you must understand - roaches are human too you know. they too need food, water and a place to live. i cant just turn them out, or have their blood on my hands (which, by the way, is white). ok. im only kidding. they arent human. but roaches and men actually share somethyng. i believe it's called personality. actually, most importantly, i rather like roaches cuz they are lizard food. lizards come in all colours, shapes and sizes. also, you can make some at home - out of origami. (here's an origami rhinobeetle. not even remotely related to the lizard). the most famous of all lizards would have to be the one in My Family and Other Animals. Gerald Durrell had a 'pet' gecko. needless to say, you cant really actually teach a gecko to 'heel' or say 'polly wants a cracker', but one can live in a dellusional world, where you believe the gecko walks in and out of your room at your will (with your will coincidently coinciding with the arrivals and the departures of the gecko in question). i once met a lizard from china. i also have a friend from china, and he isnt a lizard. you know, china is a wonderful place. it has lizards; and it has friends. 0_o but coming back to the lizard. he was a wise lizard. according to the stories we shared, he had travelled far and wide - over the hills and a long way off - all the way to lahore. i was rather jealous you know. ive never been to china. and here i had a travel-weary lizard (who we shall uncle sam from now on, for the lack of a proper christian name) sharing a cuppa with me. uncle sam was a bit of a rebel from the start he told me. he ate his mom when he was only a young lad. "i ate my mom," he said. you see, chinese lizards aren't big on relationships. apparently, they are supposed to leave home when they're 18, or eligible to vote (and they are eligible to vote when they are 18), except their ages arent counted in years, like ours are, but in the number of cockroaches theyve eaten. and i thynk he told me that was 1,937,523,945.7 - to be exact. "we have to eat 1,937,523,945.7 cockroaches (to be exact), before we are counted as adult lizards, " he said. i could never comprehend what a 0.7 cockroach was. that's the same as saying an average pakistani household has 3.5 children... except you must know, a 0.5 child cant actually exist. i mean. my parents had three kids. now im missing a half-brother or a half-sister. damn! ive been deprived. if thys was america, i'd sue my parents... and uncle sam for the mental torture he caused me by reminding me i was missing half a sibling. or a point 7 one. or whatever. *sigh* a girl's life is so complicated. but thys isnt about me - it's about uncle sam... i asked him why he hadnt been christianed. you know, given a proper name. everyone i know has a proper name. even the dean at the business school im studying in. uncle sam said his parents never went to church. "my parents never went to church," he said. "we were never really a very religious family. my dad was a rogue... he fathered many a lizard before me; i have siblings all over china... and my mom... she just did the rosary when she wanted to cut herself off from the world." "it was very annoying though," he continued, "and after a while, i just had to eat her. i mean... in all her prayers and devoutness, she stopped cooking for us. "and anyways, by that time, i was too old to be christianed. i'd given up on god and gone agnostic," he finished. the lizard's religious views were very much like my own. except i never went agnostic, and i never ate my mom. so i asked him how he landed up in lahore. he said he had heard stories about lahore, and had always wanted to see it for himself... "i had heard stories about lahore, and had always wanted to see it for myself," he said. "oh really?" i asked. "like what?" "well," he started. "firstly, i had heard there were many a pretty ladylizards here... and in my ripe old age of 21,236,543,684.3 cockroaches, i was thynking of settling down." i found that rather strange. and i said so. "i thynk that's rather strange," i said. "why?" he asked. "are you worrying about the cultural barrier, or the language one?" "niether," i replied. "i just thynk it's strange that a handsome lizard like yourself would have to travel 19,299,019,738.6 roaches to lahore to find a bride. that's just a very typical trait of NRPs (non-resident pakistanis), but hello... you arent even desi man... whatchathynkyerpullinhere?" he grinned. he didnt answer. he just grinned. and with a very sage, very wise look, he said, "sunsets are beautiful. all else is relative." eds' note: we tried to stop her. we really did.