the apple tree.

do you believe in destiny? i dont know what i believe in. and it can be a strange existance, not knowing what to believe. or believing nothing. it's strange. how you can give meaning to someone's life. when your own is meaningless. when you are so hollow and empty from within, your "being" alone can result in a smile on someone's face. i dont try. believe me, i dont. i am not arrogant enough to think i'm worth anything, let alone intrinsic to anyone's happiness; at the same time, i know what my "not being" would do to them. so i go on, day in, day out. just being. living a life that is empty. existing in a void. watchinng the time go by. knowing that just as i find the passing seconds hard to bear, my bearing them with a smile is making life a less bitter pill to swallow for someone else. i didnt ask for this. i'm not saying im not to blame. and im not even going to ask "why me?" i'm over that. im just wondering how long :) im wondering who is stronger. me, or the hand that was dealt to me. you know what's funny? it isnt even a battle i chose to fight. but im sticking to my guns, cuz one morning, i woke up to find me in the middle of it all. i shouldve stepped away, chosen a different path when i had heard the battleships ahead. my mistake was that i had thought i would walk around it, or by it, and no one would notice. wishful thinking? my dad used to ask me when i would grow up. IF i would ever grow up. i'm as averse to the idea today as i was four years ago. but today i find i dont have a choice. --------------------------------------------------------------------- "we live in an imperfect world. which means there are an infinite number of possibilities." -- meeks that is the second most potent thing ive ever heard. it could actually alter my outlook towards life. i dont know. the first would have to be "shit happens" -- forrest gump. although, tell me. which would be worse - if shit happened, or if shit didnt happen? --------------------------------------------------------------------- went to a private gig today. it was nice. it was... i sat there for about two and a half hours, wondering what the hell i was doing there. and then i left. --------------------------------------------------------------------- i went to a wedding yesterday, and the day before. it was of one of my closest friends. i didnt go to the mehndi. understandably, she was pissed. and i had no excuses to give her. it's hard to explain to people how there are phases in your life, when you dont want to cloud their happiness, by hovering around them... i wanted to do nothing more yesterday, than just crawl in my bed, and hide my face under the covers. it wouldbe impossible to try and explain the amount of effort it took, to drag myself out of the bed, not look like a wild cat who's had its fur chewn off in a cat fight, and show up at that wedding. and what for? to eventually go up to her and tell her she looked like a dream (Which she did, but im sure the 600 people there had already told her that). i dont get it. why is it hardest to explain to friends... when they are supposed to hear unspoken words? her wedding would've happened without me being there. the first day did. and no one on the planet can wish her more success and happiness than i do. i love that chick from the core of my heart...why would she not have understood my not coming? i ran into all these people i DONT recognize from here and there, and it was like dude... i knew you in another lifetime. you cannot come up to me after 6 years and expect me to remember your name. i dont expect you to remember mine. i dont, in fact, expect you to remember me. cant you just leave me alone to spend my life in oblivion? it would be so much more convenient for all of us.