it's another tequila sunrise

getting money to last longer than the month has proved tougher than i expected. specially considering a) i didnt know money could fly... b) i dont really know where it's all flown off too... and c) migratory birds are flying south already. anyways, coming back to the case in point, there's only so much you can stretch cash, before it rips, and then it's value is considerably decreased... more often than not to zero... and seriously, a Rs 1,000 note split into two doesnt last over a week, which in return turn means im dead broke and im trying to put in down in a decent (but rather ineffective) way. today was the first day of my broke-ed-ness. food so far has not been a problem, as for well over a week, i havent had any. my breakfasts and lunches have consisted solely of Oreos and Tea. and dinners i skip simply cuz i dont like college food. as a substitute we HAVE been eating out... actually, make that, "out's where we've been eating," and that has pretty much wiped out any and all of my cash deposits where i had been depositing cash (here we go round the mulberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel...). the problem has arisen only now, in the last week of september, and trust me, it's just not going. i survived monday by winning a bet - the guy had to treat me to lunch as penalty. for tuesday i'm thynking i'll smile at someone ;) that should keep them dazzled long enough for them to pay my food bill. two more days to go, two more game plans to design. selling stolen laptops seems like a plausable option, but for that i'll have to steal them first. damn it's tough being young and cute. and it's tougher having liberary fines three weeks into school. anyways, i could just ask my mom for money. except i HATE doing that. i thynk i'm old enough to manage my finances (but then again, maybe i need to revisit my thoughts). i do in fact, know someone, whose friends are paying him a monthly allowance to help him finish school. not that he needs it, but some friends are like that. (hint! for interested investors, my email is listed at the bottom of the links {somewhere}). the other day, my brother forcefully stuffed some money in my wallet (not surprisingly, it's not there anymore)... and that is precisely the reason i dont thynk having money is a good idea. when you got it, you spend it. khair. yer gonna be hearing a lot of my college woes... which reminds me, a friend of mine insulted me today. i was telling him how tough college was, and he goes: "dont you mean university?" damn you man, im too young to be in a university :p ------------------------------------------------------------------------ p.s i know the layout is seriously messed up, but that aint my fault... my image host died (follow link for detailed story, september 28 post). and i thynk im waiting for abez to drop in and fix it. owl, chai, and abezzy shall be over in a couple of days, inshallah. (see, they were supposed to call me to let me know exactly when they'll be coming, but i thynk they've changed their minds. now they'll let me know by coming over instead.)

happy bishday baji!!!

o baaaaaj! im such a dawg man, i couldnt come to wish you in person... but then i had no intentions of chasnig you all over the pyrenees OR the alps... so i'm sending a gift by stag mail ;) have a happy bishday yo! psst... if you print thys page, you can colour in yer gift too!!!

"trying to find a thought that's escaped her mind"

i was going thru the recent entries on my blog. to be objectively and painfully honest, it aint nuffin to write home about (yeah, yeah, im fishing for compliments here - thys is where you tell me you;ll love me even if i eat pizza with my hands, burp after a glass of coke, and call you rude names) it just reads very... Uninteresting. i have half baked posts ive chucked away for one reason -- they were half baked and i had no tym to cook them further. the 1 googolplex and 17 funny ideas i get are either written down on scraps of paper, and then are lost -- see i write them down so i can see later and get my blog inspirations... but i never remember where i last lost the scraps and ... or... i manage to lose them without writing them on paper. you know where im going with thys right? or be i talkin to myself? --------------------------------------------------- im amazed at the number of ppl ive seen on orkut, and even more amazed at how seriously they take it. specially those who make it a point to remind me i smoke, and that im committed, but i never told them. when i signed up 6 months ago, there were exactly 20,000 people on it, an obscenely large number belonging to the Brazilian... 100,000 ppl later, orkut has gone mad. it was a google pilot project, all good n stuff... except even them ppl werent prepared for the response it received... and then everyone and their cats and dogs put up their best pictures and along came online poondi.... but i aint gonna go there. what i am going to rant about is why i must disclose my relationship status -- Choose the best answer:

• single
• married
• committed
• open relationship

then they want to know my best features, besides my age, educational qualifications and sexual orientation ( for the last i put down bi-curious - it was an option i couldnt resist clicking) i wonder why i havent signed up here yet. my smoking habits were listed as chimney, and i had claimed to be a social drinker. i mean what the hey... i never said honesty was my only policy. :p then came my committed status. you would be amazed at the number of emails and messages i have received (some from very very close friends) at why i never told them. one serious advice: dont believe everythyng you read. just cuz someone put it in black and white, that dont mean it's true. umm... but then again, someone HAS put it in black and white, it mustve been true right? that's why it WAS put down in black and white. hmm... make up yer mind, yer confusing yerself :p but if you must know, the guy im committed to, ive given him 8 years (he has to graduate from high school yet) -- if we dont get married in 8 years, imna find me someone else. a girl cant wait forever you know :p --------------------------------------------------- which remind me im a totally proud sister today... my sister got her first detention in school :D finally she's following in my footsteps... man it feels good to have been a great influencing force in someone's life :D... the future seems brighter already! *bulb goes on in background* --------------------------------------------------- so im posting one of my favourite songs from ages ago... back when i was in school... it's "let her cry" by hootie and the blowfish: Let her cry...if the tears fall down like rain Let her sing...if it eases all her pain Let her go...let her walk right out on me And if the sun comes up tomorrow Let her be...let her be. Last night I tried to leave Cried so much I just Could not believe She was the same girl i Fell in love with long ago She went in the back to Get highI sat down on my couch and cried Yelling oh mama please help me Wont you hold my hand. read and reread thys post while i go search for my wits and witticisms. somat tells me i let 'um go to the dogs.

and the paragon of virtue shall do no wrong

-- "humane" hitler disturbs germans -- im not surpried to hear that; actually that's a given. what does bother me is the human need to classify or pigeon hole people into being "good" or "bad". there aint no such thyng as the grey area. if yer stupid, you cannot say anythyng intelligent (by definition of stupid), and if yer smart, you cannot make a mistake -- that's what makes you smart. WHY could hitler do no good? or why couldnt he feel? was he totally devoid of emotion? a cold-calculation evil genius? *sigh* i would thynk three billion tyms before condemning someone to hell...(thats just me), and even then be guilty about it. at the end of the day, i'd give them the benefit of doubt, and let them off... there HAS to be an iota of kindness in you. that's why yer human. (didnt the beast have a heart too?) i can actually relate to hitler. *opps! did i say that out loud?* i was reading thys book on the dude... i thynk i mentioned it earlier too... hitler was a normal teenager dude, his dad either ran away or died or somat, so he was raised in relative poverty(they had no ffod at home)... as he grew older, he figured he wanted to be an artist, but was never good enuff to actually get into the vienna art school he had applied to... getting rejected twice from the painting(fine arts discipline), he felt the call of architechture... sadly, he couldnt get in there too... after which he disappeared from public -- his friends lost touch and i put the book down -- to never know what happened next. i was reading up on him, and see what i found. i for one find thys guy to be the most prolific statesmen ive come across. he brought out the german nation from teh ghetto it was living in, raised the standards of living... and the fact is, his people loved him. he was a leader. he wasnt building swiss bank accounts, or stables with the finest arab stallions, or mansions in surrey, or industries in saudi, or palaces in raiwind... and the fact is, he never dangled a carrot in front of his people. he never claimed to know what they wanted... he may have done what he wanted to, against the will of his people, but never claimed they were with him. hitler never lied to germany -- which is too much to say of our politicians. he dreamt of making germany a super power... and did that... in his lifetym. *sigh* im not saying he did no wrong. but one cannot discount all the rights he did... simply because he went mad in the end :p all i'm saying is... thys guy believed in somethyng, and believed passionately... and i respect him for that. and if i were her, i wouldnt have dropped my number plate -- just like that. ------------------------------------------------------------------ in other news, i met up with some old friends of mine from NCA... after 9 months... and man it was good. when i left them after about two hours, i was strangely content... we relived memories from the last four years, trips across pakistan, the chats in the canteens, the 130 yr-old red-brick structure... the teachers, the students, the gossip... and again as i left, i thanked god for having led me to them folks, cuz i have tried their friendship, and they have proven it. thanx guys, i o u. ------------------------------------------------------------------ lemme know if anyone catches thys on cnn.

friends: thy lord giveth and thy lord taketh away

*sigh* im so depressed. but before we go there, i gotta show you somat.

"AssalamuAlaikum & Ice-cream (two nice things) Just droppin you a line cuz I haven't tortured you via IM for a while. How's school beta? :D"

thys is by far one of the nicest emails ive received in ages. it's short, sweet, and lets me know someone is thynking about me, and they like me enuff to let me know (yes, three lines and a mention of ice cream is all it takes). im so seriously missing good friends in my life. and ive got no one to blame but myself. i never even considered it a problem until very very recently, when i had to fend for myself... and realised how lucky i had been, having ppl look out for me, without me realizing that. ive never felt so cut off from the world as i have in teh past month or so... im used to doing thyngs my way, around my people, sitting comfortably in my comfort zone, at my damn speed -- and definitely at my own goddamned will. now, taking into consideration 100 strangers, who are perhaps going thru the same shyte i am... (cant be too sure there)... it's difficult. and they all seem reasonable people... who make you feel guilty for being unreasonable and difficult, by sheer kindness... one can never know how disfunctional they are, in an isolated situation... it's the comparison in a group of people which reveals that trait... we took personality tests in our "Organizational Behaviour" class the other day. lol! and i apparently dont know me too well... i scored low on extrovertism, very low on agreeableness, very low on conscientiousness, and very high on openness to experience. i dont mind being criticised, so i wont even try justify the first three traits, but openness to experience? i wouldnt say i welcome that either, since i KNOW im averse to change... but yeah, i dont mind trying out new thyngs, if only so i can crib about them later on... but coming back to friends. and emails. i havent been a good person lately. mostly ignoring relationships. not that my "abrasive" personality allows for too many of those, but there are certain people who choose to ignore that and still put up with me (search me man, i DONT have a clue as to why!) one such person was the email sender. thanx man. small acts of kindness make yellow so much brighter a colour! another such message was from M. she is all i have to show for my four years at NCA. i mean sure, there are friends, and then there are friends... but M is lyk... umm... say, if you were to kidnap for ransom somethyng most important to me, i'd suggest you pick her up. i dunno how, but she managed to keep me sane (for the most part of it) so she IMs me... saying "im leaving on the 17th" my response: "SHYTE...! yeh to england ja rahi hai!" my "best friend" leaves for england in two days, and she had to remind me to go visit her! so i went over to her place today. it was so weird. i hate goodbyes, but more than that, i hate seeing off the only few people who matter to me. she got married 9 months ago in jan, and accepting i wasnt her priority in itself was a bitter pill to swallow. (im possive about my...umm...thyngs). and now i dont know when ill see her next, and before you know it... we'll just be two total strangers.

i'll be talking a walk in park one day, a small child will come running and crash into me ... and while i'll ponder it's fate (hanging them upside down from a tree or drenching them in the lake), i'll see M running towards me, saying hey! watch it! that's my kid you got there missy!!!

ok, so it may not be as bad as that, technically, but the reason i dont believe in relationships is a) simply, cuz nothyn lasts ferever, and b) losing somethyn you had hurts more than never having it.(thys point is not open for debate. in fact, none of the two are) khair. im distressed. clearly. i'll see ya when i see ya. and when i see you next, remind me to sort out my priorities. theres on so much one can do hanging by a moment.

fodder for thought

i found some rather nice lines here and there... "if your mission is to the moon, dont use a car" or "PEACE: does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart." and my favourite one? "an idea is not responsible for who believes in it" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- somewhere i read somat goethe had said: "Nothing is worth more than this day" so i asked my friend: not even the truth? say if you had the truth versus today, which would you pick? she goes: what would you do with the truth if you had no today? or tomorrow? where would you and the truth be then? here's a question: would you compromise the truth to live for a day? it's another one of those thoughts. a friend of mine once asked me: "what would happen, if an unopposable force met an immovable object?" if you ask me, i dont really give a damn. i dont believe in absolutism anyways!

party in the park

im still reeling from shock of what i saw today... and am trying to come to conclusion about it, and perhaps even assess my own reaction to it. i was driving my mom and sister out of liberty market (which is like perhaps one of the poshest shopping areas in lahore), where the traffic is usually choked... and today being saturday night, it was more so. so there is thys santro (for the sake of convenience lets call them car A) in front of me, and a subaru (and car B) infront of that... im chattin with me mom... and i hear a screech... i look ahead, and all of a sudden, all FOUR doors of the car A open, four women run out to car B ... and then i see them bashing the driver's face and pulling his/her hair... (i couldnt see clearing who was sitting in that car)... that driver raced their car, and i thought they'd run off, while these women CHASED car b quite a distance... then they ran back to their car and drove off -- or so i thought... just a few meters away, car A had caught up with car B and chk thys out: thys tym they are stood side by side, the doors of car A open again, and thys girl from car A jumps OVER her car, gets up on the front of car B, kicks the windscreen a couple of tyms, gets down and woah... then all the women from car A drag the women of car B out... and live wrestling ensues... in the middle of the road. within split seconds, a horde of men had gathered to watch the show... and they only dispersed when police came. we the whole tym were stuck as the tamasha was happenin right in front of my car... yeah we had the best seats in the house, except the gate crashers collected in front of us and from there on the show was lost. i was shocked -- to say the least. ive never actually seen that happen before... usually desi women are rather tame... car hopping, fist fighting type are... well... ive never seen one before. my mom was of the opinion the women in car A were sluts. not only because they were dressed and made up like them, but because of how they were acting. we all actaually convinced of that... but what was most painful was the fact that the driver of car B was a girl too, and when these women pulled her out, they ripped off her shirt. from teh front and the back. (which explains the swarming men). my mom said girls from "respectable" families dont behave the way these women did. "no matter WHAT happens, you dont create a scene." which was somethyng i had heard just the other day as i was out with a friend... i opened the door for him, and he didnt wanna go thru it, but did so saying "why must you women create scenes in public?" hello? i just opened the door for u!!! when was that a crime? the point is... would i ever behave like that? hypothetical answers usually apply to hypothetical situations... maybe i wouldnt go as far as climbing anyone's car... but if i was really pissed off... id definitely crash my car into them -- or their car...which ever would cause more damage. except that hasnt happened yet, alhamdolillah, and for the most part, i can control my temper (which isnt saying i dont have one). ----------------------------- in other but really good news, i rediscovered whatchamacallit. eight years after i had it for the first and the only tym. it brought back memories of a friend from school. her mother didnt like me cuz i was good at math (back then) and i havent seen or heard from her in 6 years. i sniffed around and found her house last week, and heard from someone where she's been married off. i have a good mind of droppin in on her mom... if only to irritate her (and in the process be thrown out of her house). im just weighing if it would be worth it. ----------------------------- i found thys pic outside an audio store. nuff said. no?

hemlock and i

i finally googlismed. first i googlismed hemlock and i found some rather interesting descriptions, which i thynk describe me well. and then i googlismed my name. ladies and gentlemen ;) the results: hemlock is life. hemlock is approximately 1601. (ello?) hemlock is a perennial...(?) hemlock is 100% sustainable. hemlock is a large...(WHAT!!!) hemlock is found in swampy areas and marshes. hemlock is largely inaccessible because of the high altitudes at which it occurs and is unimportant as commercial timber. (im hurt!) hemlock is spring. (i agree) hemlock is only 100 km...(lol!!! 100km what??? away from God?) hemlock is. (because she thynks) hemlock is heading out on the road again("here i go again on my own...down the only road ive ever known...") hemlock is very dangerous (and you can bet your bottom $ on that!) hemlock is found in waste ground in most of the united states. (0_0 i dont know what yer talkin abt.) and fer me name? ... is trusted by ... is said to be the pioneer of street theatre that is recognised for its works in the social sector ... is a girl whom i've known since school days and together we've grown she is small & cute with lovely dark hair whenever i need her ... is famous for her short temper and notorious for her squibbles with the anat department ... is near the town of diwaniya ... is a lovely woman disclaimer: "..." takes no responsibility for the bs she has just posted. she's high on education. ... also thynks thys guy is doing a better job of posting than she is. obviously her opinion is biased...

the final chapter

Ashfaq Ahmed died today. i cant even begin to define or quantify the loss pakistan has faced as a nation, and urdu as a language. what saddens me the most is we needed him. really really needed him. *poof*

THE WORLD: as seen from a bumper car moving at 3 kmph.  

to kill a mocking bird

150 killed in russian siege. some ppl really piss me off. so much, that i stop thynking straight. ppl who kill innocent children belong in that catagory. ---------------------------------------------------- so thys man said: i used to pray to god for a motorbike, but he didnt give me one. a while later i figured out how god worked, stole a bike, and then prayed for forgiveness instead.

heh. i did a 1,000 word post. blogger lost it. ive lost my mind. bye.

shirts speak louder than words

i got my ex boss a T today. it was black. and it said "NO". he's sort of like that; you thynk three thousand tyms before you gather up enuff courage to ask him for anythyng... and his answer is usually no. the shirt will hopefully save him the bother of saying it out loud. "read my shirt," shall be a preffered reply. i thynk. i got my brother a bunch of shirts too. 10 actually. see... while im not a woman who'd spend one dollar on a two dollar item she dont need, i just thynk you can never go wrong with shirts :-D and it's fun shopping for stuff you dont really want. like my mom bought a rocking chair yesterday. i dont know where she plans to put it, but she bought it. the shirt labels read as follows: 1) Well educated but broke: that would sum up my brother effectively. if i was advertising for him in a matrimonial thyngy, i guess that's how id describe him. of course i dont thynk he'd be getting too many offers, but at least no one would accuse us of deception. 2) im busy; you're ugly; go away: he's too polite to tell ppl to sod-ov. im hopin the shirt will do the talking for him. 3) don't hate me cuz yer ugly: it was either that, or "it must hurt to look like you... your face is killing me!!!" in girls they had "dont hate me cuz im beautiful, hate me cuz your boyfriend thynks so too." 4) banned: it's alway nice to wear a verdict. 5) whatever i do, blame it on AlQaeda: whatever happens, SOMEONE must be blamed. and in bhai's profession... thyngs can get seriously screwed up... (note: im not sure WHEN im using inappropriate language... like the other day i said 'pissed off' in class, and my prof goes: dont use that expression...0_0) 6) Buck Fush: i was out buying thys shirt, when another shopperlady goes "what's buck fush?" ok, lady, its really ok to be ignorant, but dont overdo it... what say u? 7) never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups: i hear you!!! i wish they had one which said "majority simply means all the fools are on the same side." but they didn't. so there :p 8) chick magnet: i thynk that's ultra cool. but my brother refuses to wear it ... and i dont blame him... i mean, thats the kinda shirt i'd gift my guy, (if i had one, but im not a chick, and i wouldnt associate myself with a 'chick magnet'... and definitely not with a guy who went around wearing that shirt... in fact, id kill my guy if he wore such a shirt...) you get my dilemma right? i got a shirt... i dont know who to give it to. *Sigh* 9) thys other shirt (click on pic V80) i bought him bears an ancient chinese scripture... teh words of the wisest sages in oriental history. an honour to be wearing them. email me, if you wish to know what they mean. i didnt feel like putting up a picture :D and oh! and i got me one too. it reads

"suicide bomber"

self explanatory... dont you thynk? :> i guess you can buy thys stuff here. i'm a voodootee fan... gimme unlimited amounts of funds... i'd die shoppin at that place. granted, i wouldnt WEAR all of it... (it's anappropraite stuff for a "gurl") that doesnt mean i dont enjoy it. that and im not too keen on western clothin. *sigh* dont they have thys in chooridar?