[how [rude] awakening]

i discovered somethyng today. for me, life has become ritual. a sort of a habit you would want to put an end to. i found myself having lunch today. i mean, i became aware of what i was doing when i realised what i was eating. the process of having walked to the cafeteria, gotten confused and lost looking for a place to sit, and pouring food in my plate were all faded realities that i wasnt consciously aware of. two thyngs woke me up. a) i was eating rice. without pulling a face. i dont like rice. but i was halfway thru my meal before that fact occured to me b) the gravy looked like it was infested with algea. everythyng i do is becoming so mechinical... my life is being dictated by the watch, and im constantly trying to keep up with time. succeeding in doing that, i have lost all sense of direction, my orientation. and in that effort to keep up with the time, i cant remember where im coming from, or where im going. day in day out a repetition of what yesterday was like, today only being better cuz i did the exact same thyng yesterday... and practice makes a man perfect and a woman even better. im so tired. {eds -- and if thys post doesnt make you want to kill yourself, we dont know what will.}