holy blah.

every step i take... every move i make... i go owww..... OOOOOOWWW! o man. friday morning. too early, too late in the week. my back hurts. my legs hurt. understandable, cuz i decided i needed to work out again. after a 6 month break. so i thought it would be best by starting with crunches. 200 of them. needless to say, you can decide to do 200 crunches, but you arent actually about to go beyond 127.75201.... OOOOWWW! now i know what it feels like to be kicked in the kidneys :p oh man... im thinking... i know what i need. you know... a long HOT bath... and a handful of painkillers. oowww! in other news, i have a zit. on my face. in my line of vision. (you can realise how unbelievable my reality is becoming... if im having to blog about a zit... losing a sense of reality? perhaps) but no seriously... everytime i look down, something gets in the way. that something is the zit. :/ in yet other news, i have sinned again: im back on orkut. dont ask me why. i dont do much there... i succumbed to social pressure. (roite ---!!! ALL it took was someone saying why dont you come back on orkut again... that was probably the opportunity hemlock had been dreaming of... for ever and ever and ever-- eds) jesus. im so tired. im thinking... what would happen if i DIDNT go to class today? any class? i dont really think its worth it....................................................... aaarrrrrghhhhhhh! im feeling so ... icky! *bang! bang! bang!* ding ding ding ding ding ding... ding ding ding ding ... bang bang

soumyn: since i cannot comment on my own blog... no thanx to pervez musharraf, im just going to have to answer you here: education is free. ipods arent.

i wish i wasnt as despicable as i can get at times. i wish i wasnt so weak i actually at times i wish i wasnt me. i wish i was someone else. i STILL havent been able to either accept or own my weaknesses. im afraid if i did, all the sand castles ive built around me would wash away. when the funny thing is, i know the inevitable will happen, im only fooling myself, the bubble WILL burst. yet i go on and on, fooling myself.. and in the very process hurting and embarrassing those around me. im actually sorry for who i am. for who i wanted to but couldnt be. shit, im actually sorry.

heard that? that was my dream shattering

my heart is so broken it aint even funny (as is my keyboard) see, i was supposed to apply for like an Mphil or something or like a Phd... like the stuff i was supposed to do when lums wasnt even on the radar... and like when i had wanted to apply to cambridge for an MBA, and they needed three years of work experience, and ididnt have any so i didnt apply... right? so anyways, like since the world and their pine-apple-upside-down cake knows im freakin out about graduating, i decided the best option would be to enroll in another school... this time for the mphil thingy, and definitely outside of pakistan and not america (america is too far away from home and home is too close to the heart, iwouldnt be able to function in either situations...) so like, england seemed the best option.. but my heart bleeds and im so so sad... *sigh* i mean... irony? is THIS irony or what? i think about and decide to apply for admission only TWO DAYS after the deadlines... it so isnt funny. two days... 15th march was closing for some unis, 1st march for others, 1st feb for oxford. anyways. so yeah, im so so so so sad. it 's really sad. i just cant stop laughing. i mean... u heard that right? im such a loser i couldnt even make it to the "greatest losers of the world" list.

and i want... and i need...

im getting a very very very strong urge to apply somewhere for an MPhil. actually, i know exactly where i want to apply. but one assumes a gap year is necessary; at least a year of some practical work is important. but if i get into that, than i wont be able to apply to any organization that has a two to three year management trainee programme (they make you sign bonds and shit)... if i do, then i wont be able to leave after a year :s i'll have to wait for 2-3 yrs atleast :s and i want a phd NOW! what to do! what to do!!! i want! i want! i want! :'(

hemmie callin D, come in D

d, i sent you a mail on your gmail thingy... perhaps you havent seen it... anyways. lemme know what plans you have about shifting... and all that jazz? i guess this WILL be goodbye blogger...?

borderline

i am teh only one sitting in the lab right now (almost... the lab attendant is here too... somewhere) next to the keyboard is an empty coffee cup and an even emptier bottle of dew. i would take the picture of my cubicle right now, but what's the point? i wont be able to upload it for a while. anyways, i'm breathing easy... :) i have an exam im trying to work on, but it isnt happening abhi. done a lot of it... designed the framework for analysis, critiqued the existing situation according to that, sketched a solution... now i need to fill in teh blanks. and dont feel like it anymore. bleh. im feeling silly abhi. really really silly. feel like singing. i think. except i cant sing :s oh blah. i otta get back to work. i really otta. waisay, aaj was supposed to be basant. before they banned it. the ban has its good points, it has its bad points. the benefits of the ban outweigh the drawbacks significantly... except that i wont be able to fly kites this year :( that sux. i love this season only because i get to climb a rooftop, fly kites, compete, and win some and lose others :) and i get my fingers cut. aint happenin this year. ab kuch nai ho sakta ------------------------------------------------------------- i splurged yesterday... :p bought coelho's the zahir... which reminds me, i totally just finished the bourne ultimatum... and let me tell you, it was positively by far the worst of the three... it's like, ludlum had all these ideas, these confrontation scenarios he had planned between bourne and carlos... and he just HAD to put them ALL in the book... so he did. except there was absolutely no linkage between them, no intricate unraveling of a well thought-out plot... it was like, ok, i want to do a confrontation in miami, but umm... lets see... since i havent mentioned miami before, let me bring in a character who i hadnt even conceived in the entire series, but anyways, let me just make him appear out of a hat because it serves the greater purpose of creatin a showdown between my two protagonists. anways, i literally had to drag myself across teh book. definitely not worth the effort, but seeing as i HAD started it... khair. so that wraps up ludlum for me... now i gotta (start) finish zahir. coelho isnt my supremo authoro evero, but really, he does have his hand on the pulse of people... what drives them, pulls them back... their desires, dreams... to have such insight is remarkable... so i guess i read him out of respect for that ability. i wish to be able to hit the nail as well as he does. then ill write better stories; until then, let me just read. i might be watching memoirs of a geisha on tuesday... but im thinking... do i want to read it first? ya should i go ahead with just watching it... pata nai... tuesday is three days away anyways... ------------------------------------------------------------- if i could play the guitar, i would've liked much to do a cover version of kid rock's only god knows why. i think i can come up with a better version ... i mean, i can tell how i want the song to sound like. and taht isnt necessarily very close to what it sounds like abhi. ... Oh somehow I know there's more to life than this I said it too many times And I still stand firm You get what you put in And people get what they deserve Still I ain't seen mine No I ain't seen mine I've been giving just ain't been gettin' I've been walking that thin line So I think I'll keep on walking With my head held high I'll keep moving on and only God knows why... ------------------------------------------------------------- there's a very strong rumour going around these days. they say musharraf's days are numbered. i wonder... and no, blogspot still cant be accessed without guardster/anonymizer/yeh woh

i *beep* the *beep* of the *beep*

ok. so that much has been established. musharraf is paranoid, and bloody insane. that said, how do i let him know i think that? perhaps go to the bbc website, leave a nasty comment which his guard dogs will (hopefully?) sniff out? and then maybe track me down and arrest me for making obscene comments about prophet musharraf... the point is... blocking all of blogspot? the thing is, now that that has been done, i dont expect it to be undone. which will mean i might have to move... and honestly? i dont want to...! ive been here so comfortably for far too long... and anyways, i only know ppl on blogspot. if i decided to move now, i just might end up not knowing them very soon... cuz... HOW does he expect me to chk out all the blogs i do... *sigh* he doesnt get the enormity of what he's done, does he? ooooooooooooooooooooo *wails* this is like... so blah. i can see my blog and comments thru guardster and whatnot, but i cant leave any comments. but im not going to go thru three hundred channels just so i can access my blog... hello... reality check here... talk about cencorship. i really hadnt thought mushy was into this stuff... but like a friend said earlier on in the day, what's the point of havin power if you cant abuse it. so like, there is some journalist dude, who had a phadda with musharraf cuz of which he had to flee the country. anyways, on gettin to canada, he opened his webjournal... south asian tribune... now the thing is, if you try access it from here, the website www.satribune.com instead, takes you to some place called www.pakistanpapers.com haha. phunny. not the same thing. *sigh* im so disappointed and disallusioned. i hate change ive been so firmly entrenched in the blogspot thingy, that contemplating a shift is killing me. i dont want to leave. to do or not to do! that is the question...

fading with the sunset

"im sick'o them shitheads gettin their knickers in a twist" i said to D, when she explained to me why i cant access my blog. cuz, i live in pakistan, and we dont believe in freedom of speech, and are ruled by stupidity that grows exponentially. it's absotively insane. ive also learnt i dont like swearing, in writin i mean... just to prove to you im NOT crazy... (crazy as in stupid, not insane... that i know i am)... see this [ha! in your face soumyn; so hemlock WASNT making excuses! she doesnt lie (too often) you know --eds] ooooooooooooo *wails* does stupidity have no end.? is there no end to the morons who rule this country? who invite bush for dinner and let him leave without a nuclear pact? i feel like the least favourite child now... (my grandparents always preferred my brother to me... it was a gender thing) no seriously... so you block all blogspot sites. duh! (please pay special attention to the exclamation mark after "duh") [that was the only smart comment hemlock could come up with, in response to measures taken by the government to decrease the threat of intellectual discourse between the east and west -- eds] how stupid do you get? how stupid? HOW STUPID CAN YOU GET? can you get any more stupid? where does stupidity end? [aren't you being a bit repetitive honey? like repeating yourself? you know, resulting in repetition of your initial point... dunno, we just thought that maybe... -- eds] anyways, umm... so, we know how daft, and unbelievably insane government musharraf is... what else? last term of school starts tomorrow. job hunting? fretting about future... choices, priorities... a career... you have no idea how stressful this all is... i swear, if i could... i wouldve opted for a phd straight of business school. degrees and schools dont prepare you for reality, and i dont think i can make it out there. *Sigh* 3 months. 3 months to what? *crawls under the desk, hides face, plays dead*

ok. this isnt much fun, seriously. my blog thingy hasnt loaded in four days now, i cant see what im posting, and now i know how Beethoven felt when he composed the 9th symphony. or when milton wrote paradise lost. imagine being like, an amazing writer, and never knowing what your writing looks like. but im serious, i havent seen my page and im feeling all ................................................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk! WHY ISNT MY PAGE LOADING???!!! WHY ISNT ANY BLOGSPOT LOADING??? i cant even see my comments! so ive been giving myself an overdose of movies. saw: i am david eternal shunshine of the shpotlesh mind brokeback mountain chicken little chronicles of narnia HP4 and the movies i AM going to watch, hopefully tonite are: munich lord of war lock, stock and two smoking barrels collateral... ill start with LS&TSB... i wouldve done like, my comments... on what i think of the movies, but two things... 3 of the 5 movies i did were SO WARPED! they left me reeling... specially "i am David" bloody good movie, very very cannes... very... u know... un je ne ses quis... but very weird! plus, i cant see my blog. and im not going to say anything unless i can see it :/ so, anyone wanna fix my problem?