country roads, take me home...

to the place... where i belong? (somewhere i belong). anyways... thys is actually my eighth attempt to put thys blog up :) let's see how it goes. umm... question. which came first? the donkey or the work? cuz see. where there was man, there was work... and until man discovered the donkey, he was one. *sigh* so i guess the chicken DID come before the egg. and he crossed the road to go to the superstore to buy the egg. {eds-thys is so sad. for the sanity of our readers, we may soon be removing hemlock from the panel of authors} so basically thys otta tell you ive been in the pits for the last 36 hours. and i hate it. i hate having to depend on people for smiles... and the "sharing" and the "caring" and the god knows what. my "best friend's" pissed off at me cuz he thynks im ignoring him. being the sati-savitri bharatye nari that i am... how can i not live up to his expectations. come his comment, i started ignoring him. but let's face it... solitude and solitaire and music only keep you going for so long. i admit i love my company, but i need my minnions around me to constantly remind me how much fun i am. oh blah... im being such a cow, but i'm pissed. and if that prima donna's melodrama wasnt enough... these days time and time again i'm being reminded of the fact that some very important people are missing in my life. and i HATE feeling deprived. aaarrrgh! i know it can get worse... and life isnt fair... and that shit happens... but can i please please please... just once get a break? and i mean a lasting kind. just once? i hate empty spaces. and question marks. i thynk i hate question marks more than empty spaces.

unmapped roads

blogging from my boss's laptop. listening to his MP3 collection. and i must admit... his taste in music aint all that bad... i mean hello... the guy listens to darude :D but yeah... so... lounging about... blogging, chillaxing... ill have another shot of whatever it is :)

so long, farewell...

THEY have just sold my car. i HATE THEM. i wanna cry. oh crapstatic man. i dont really hate them, and i dont really wanna cry. im depressed, ill give you that. but that's prolly cuz it's a sunday and i hate sundays. ok... so thys isnt getting anywhere. i learnt to drive on a 4wd... but that was only the basics. then i practiced on the family car, for about two weeks, when my brother figured that was a stupid thyng to do, so he bought me a car of my own. which i banged and scratched six times in six months. :) it was supposed to be a learning vehicle for me... literally. the idea was to give me a car of my own so i could get used to the lahori traffic. and i did. evertym a rickshaw decided to walk away with my tail light... it was a learning. everytym a rerhi wala decided to put a nice clean crisp line across two doors... there was a learning. and owly may accuse me of driving like the devil was on my tail... but being out on the roads, on my own... and realising i had to take the very same car home everyday, to a family who smiles indulgently everytym i spoil the car's enamel... it just wasnt fair to them. ugh. i have a headache. so my mehran has gone. to a stranger. who in all probability will keep it better than i did. and if thys wasnt sad enuff, i just cant get my bloody MMS to work.

my life gives "meaningless" a whole new meaning

*sigh* is there no such thyng as intellectual property rights in thys world??? i admit i wouldnt be getting any because of the "intellectuality" clause... but still... imagine reading a book (IN PRINT!!!) that YOU wanted to write. i've been violated in the worst possible way. i feel like the cumulative sum of the zeros in a binary sequence. right now, if i was a number, i'd be -infinity. that's how small i feel. someone thought my thoughts and printed them in book form, years before i was even born. and all thys while i was wondering where my muse had wondered off too. TURN-COAT! im talking about thys. there are two reasons why i didnt write the book before douglas adams did. a) we already know. i wasnt born then. (you're slow at thys arent you?). and b) i just didnt thynk you humanoids were ready to hear such thyngs. but despite the retardedness of the book:

"q:what's so bad about being drunk? a: ask a glass of water that!"

you have to hand it to the man for the sheer genius that seeps thru... (ladies and gentlemen i must remind you at thys point that since i had planned to write the book before thys guy... we absotively share the same brilliant idea generator. but i thynk in some parts, the book lacked foresight, and his imagination grandeur. i mean, notice... the computer in the guide can "even work out your personality problems to ten decimal places." here's the deal. if you were to enter my data, the first command the computer will give you is "invalid input, circular reference". provided we correct that glitch (although i dont see how, im an infinite loop... and since loops by definition are infinite im also unnecessarily redundant. which in thys case could hint at verbosity, but we shall refrain from any inferences at thys precise moment). that said, limiting my personality problems to ten decimal places is... well... simply NOT GIVING ME THE CREDIT I DESERVE... and being the attention seeking brat that i am... i shall not allow myself to be marginalized simply because of my gender, colour and nationality... all because someone couldnt count to infinity. but here's the deal. did you know the sum of infinity is one? i didnt know that. so if 0.infinity (zero-point-infinity) = 1, then that's simply saying im one big psycho. or not. cuz tjhat's precisely what the equation is saying about you. mu ha ha ha. and anyways, what wrong with my colour man? my hair is somewhere... at the saloon (i left most of them there after my last haircut. brought home whatever was refusing to leave my skull) but no, what im saying is... what's wrong with my colour? my hair is somewhere... at the saloon (i left most of them there after... WOAH!!! wait a second. see what i mean about the infinite loop? anyways, im 3.8 medium chestnut brown (and we arent talking about my hair now... which by the way is different for each strand... ranging from orange to pink to red to brown to black... kinda happens after excessive years of spinsterhood)... and as for my nationality... doesnt no one believe in equality no more? i mean, according to Aristotelian logic... all men are pigs. quick review philosophy 101 - syllogistic form: all men are mortal socrates is a man therefore, socrates is mortal. by the same definition and chain of logic: men are males, pigs are males, therefore, all men are pigs. im SO NOT into guy bashing, but philosophy is a wonderful science. ----------------------------------------------------- if i only had my towel man... if i only had my towel. ----------------------------------------------------- quote of the day: "they've got as much sex appeal as a car accident"

happy birthday meeksinsky

im a bad, bad man. it's my darling's birthday today, and i didnt even remember... happy birthday meeks :) of the few good thyngs that came off thys blog, yer of the few topping the list :) *hugs* ------------------------------------------------ my birthday is in a couple of days. i accedently caught my brother planning a surprise birthday party for me. if that wasnt nough, i ended up deciding the guest list too *blush* :D and yer ALL invited :D but no seriously, all jokes aside... i'm feeling so weird. on the face of it... im so glad for friends who'd take time out to show. who care. on the other hand... ive been dying to scream out all day... but since i was surrounded by strangers, i didnt feel like creating a scene. i thought i'd call a friend or another, but i realised i wasnt looking for sympathy. and that's what i'd get from the ppl i came across in the last yr. those i knew before, i was too lazy to keep in touch with... and it kinda felt awkward to call up someone outta the blue under the influence of overactive endocrine glands. god bless meeks. and god bless the monologist. and god bless the zistahs(whove been outta reach, and im not about to forgive them for that anytym soon. but like all people, i guess theyve moved on too). i guess it's my fault if im finding it hard to connect with people. if im feeling like a bottomless pit, i could possibly call up someone and tell them right? but is it too much to ask of friends... or people who "care" to remember two important dates in my life? TWO? is that really that much to ask? i wish people would forget about my birthday. it;s a stupid day anyways. if you were to ask me for three important dates ... that meant anythyng to me ... my birthday wouldnt be one of them. anyways. maybe im asking too much. which doesnt change the fact that im about to bite someone's head off. i wish i could tell my friends to stay puttttttt in their homes... without coming out rude or offensive. i wish i could speak swahili.

A little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams

...You drain me dry and make me wonder why I'm even here This Double Vision I was seeing is finally clear You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone Not fit to f**kin' tread the ground I'm walking on... ...Does it kill Does it burn Is it painful to learn That it's me that has all the control... some random lyrics to a random song im randomly listenin to these random days. ------------------------------------------------------------------ just did Deception Point. i'd give it a 2.5. please keep in mind that no book has ever scored beyond a 3.5 on my 5-point scale, so one would consider that a good rating... all thyngs kept in perspective. the issue is... maybe im too smart, or maybe since thys was my third dan brown book, i kinda figured where it was going, and umm... when thrillers become predictable... well duh! other than that, it was enjoyable reading... and he mentioned marianas trench... a place i've been fascinated with for god knows how many years... but would never really want to visit for the very simple reason that i dont like darkness, and im claustrophobic... *grin* i can never imagine myself in a sub. aaaarrrrghggghhh... LEMME OUT! *sheesh! what a scary thought*. that said, i was always under the impression the place was 8 miles deep. i wonder why that happened. and i remember someone calling it a "gorge" not a trench. khair. so yeah, the book was o-k... loads of conspiracy theories, but then... perhaps that's all what he does. someone said i should now read angels and demons. i'll give it a 6 month brk. ------------------------------------------------------------------ so owlinsky asked me to do thys thyngamajiggy from here...and umm i thynk the initial excitement of filling it out has worn off, and extreme depression has sunk in. see, slowing down and reviewing your options, or just acknowledging them even shakes you up... with the reality of where you are headed sinkin in. personally, i believe if you run fast enough, you'll outrun your thoughts and wherever that place was where you were supposed to go (or not go), and your life will pass in a blurrrrrr :D dont stop me long enough to realise where im headed. no issues there :) the funny thyng is... as i look at my list, except for ONE occupation (or activity), i find ambition strangely lacking from all the rest. since im not taking the game in it's spirit, imna cheat a bit and play it my way. :D If I could be a marine biologist...i'd probably be the happiest person on the planet. i'd live in mud hut with a roof made of palm leaves in the middle of nowhere (hopefully by the edge of a turquoise-blue sea and golden sands), with all my high tech equipment connected with satellites and whatnots. i'd speak swahili and dolphinese, and eat my lab rats *grin*... i mean specimen fish... and then write books on them. would never wanna be a deep sea diver though. If I could be a gardener... i actually considered taking up thys profession 13 years ago, when i was in england. i met with quite a few botanical engineers, and their works were so fascinating. i'd plant every tree and every bush myself, design gardens, and cross-pollinate mangoes with the venus fly trap. If I could be an innkeeper...i'd have a small B&B place somewhere in the english countryside, and would have a place to brush down horses of weary travellers (masked at times), and would sleep with a musket by my side. for safety reasons :D perhaps a chainsaw even? If I could be a mime...i thynk my life would be no different from what it is today. except it would be in black and white :) im wearing all white today. i get funny comments when i wear all white. which reminds me i'm hungry. If I could be a fighter pilot...*sigh* look. dont even get me started here. i was supposed to be an aeronautical engineer. although im sure that's not how you spell it. my chemistry teacher didnt like me, and that basically altered my entire life. EXCUSE ME!!! i have no issues with who i am... but imagine... if i could be a fighter pilot, i'd wake up and drive to work in an F-18. *wails* oh WHY did i have to be so blonde? *yawn* im tired. and sleepy. i thynk im going to get me some ice cream *WIDE GRIN* you know what??? i wouldve loved to be a chimney sweep. somethyn ive carried forward from my mary poppins days :) chim chimminy chim chimminy chim chim charu... i do what i like and i like what i do ... i'd love to be covered in soot all day :D and then no one would call me brown... they'd all accuse me of being black. oh what fun it is to fool ppl ;) but seriously. i wouldnt have to worry about starched clothes, or eyeliner and mascara... and i'd go around with a broom in my hands, ALL DAY LONG. plus i'd live on people's roofs. along with pigeons. i'd never want to be a taxi driver. simply cuz it would kill me to drive for other people, as opposed to driving for myself, as i will it. naah! i'd tag five people, but i dont thynk anyone reads my blog anymore. not that i accuse people for turning to greener pastures and better musings... but sloth has slowly been edging up on my sins list, and is only second to vanity. and the blog no longer serves it's purpose... of getting my creative juices to flow. probably cuz ive dried totally, and shrivelled up like a prune. or a prude. or a prudish prune. i dont know. and you wont tell me, cuz you arent reading thys. :p

what's the speed of thought?

imagine being stranded a thousand miles from nowhere, with tonnes and tonnes of icecream surrounding you. believe you me, after three days of studying all what icecream is made of... (sweat of some very very hard working people)... the magic somehow gets lost. icecream for me was a simple phenomenon of mixing milk with sugar and putting it in the freezer. at least that was my recepie until i stopped baking. *grin* when i wanted to go light, i simply put in water instead of the milk, along with some form of fruit flavouring, and amazing lollies were ready for consumption... almost immediately... since i never had the patience to wait until the lollies were actually frozen. imagine having 72 different kinds of icecream to choose from, and not having the will to eat any. me thynks me's gonna refuse that offer willy wonka made to run his factory. i thynk id like SOME romance to remain associated ... at least with the chocolates... if not nuffin else in my life. ----------------------------------------------------- you remember how i used to gush on an' on about laho? :> me thynks me wants to move out. for good. dont ask why. or actually, go ahead and ask. i just wont answer :) the place where i go to work is miles and miles out of the city, so i get company transport to pick me up, and drop me back. which could be a good thyng, or a bad one, depending on how much to love to drive. the tragic part is, im not the only one who gets pick and drop. there are 10 other ppl who get the same royal treatment. so get thys. my office (officially) starts at 9 am :) i wake up at 5.10, 5-19, 5-25, 5-30, and then fall out of bed at 5.55. the company car comes to pick me up at 6-10. from 6-10 to 8-10, im sat in the car touring lahore... my office ends and 4pm. the managers take their time to leave. meaning anywhere between 4.30 to 4.45. and im the last one to be dropped back home. at 6.45pm. ive seen more of lahore than i would ever want to see again. trust me. excess of everythyng is bad. unless... *sigh* so yeah, baiscally, i wanna run away from here... to ANY place in the world where the entire town is 30 minutes across :) suggestions? ----------------------------------------------------- being the first and the last one in the car means having to spend quality time with the driver until the next person hops in and saves me the philosophies id rather save till later on in the day. he told me the story of an italian contractor who was building one of the dams... tarbela, or mangla... basically, for the 12 yrs the guy was in pakistan supervising at the construction site, he didnt get himself a chair to sit on...he used to say..." if i sit myself down, how will my boys be motivated to work...?" now, that's an amazing, inspiring lill story; but when you've literally falled out of bed after three hours of sleep and are cursing your ambition... such feel-good;inspirational;motivational speeches only make you wanna dig deeper into your seat and crawl out from the bottom of the car. *sigh* ----------------------------------------------------- someone wants me to participate in a focus group -- to discuss "fashion" that's a cruel joke to play on me no? and honestly. tell me. what IS the speed of thought?

come baaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

my baby sister's gone camping for three days, and the house is just so friggin' quiet without her!!! Waaaaaaaaaaaaah :'( come home kiddo, i miss you. damn. although the brat demeaned the whole purpose of camping in the great outdoors. the night before she left for nathiagali, she went out and got herself a manicure, and a pedicure. the french kind. hope the insects like it. muhahahaha! oh damn. im missing her tewwwibly.

one down, one more to go.

it's been a year since august 5. at least an academic year :) and it feels bittersweet. a part of me is happy, that half the journey is over (hopefully the tougher part, at least), yet the other feels uncertain and overwhelmed at the thought of what the future holds. i have now begun to think where and what im going to be five years from now. and if ill recognize myself. i know i dont now. i dont remember who i was at 18. i dont remember what 18 was like. or 17. or 16. it's as if my life started after 20. i recall being 12. and then i was 20. i get to intern at an icecream factory in the summers. little do they know, they've assigned a wolf to guard their lambs :) im glad for the break though. it just might give me some time to put my life in perspetive. the 9 months flew by. i learnt a lot. it was mindblowing. it was discovering an alternate world. and it was discovering myself - and my abilities. when i applied to lums, i had no idea what i would be getting into. im like that. i take uncalculated risks. in case of lums, thys one paid off. Alhamdolillah i met some super, super people :) i wasnt expecting that either. i dont believe in "friends for life" or any concept that involves infinity... like the word "forever"... or "never", if you thynk about it. but i know everytym im going to look back at these two years, the thoughts of these people will make me smile. god bless them for helping me through thys time. i hope they stick around long enough, for the next yr too, but even for now i got so much more than i asked for. maybe someday i'll muster up enough courage to thank them.